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For Carol Speed there are no answers, only questions. Fourteen years have now passed since the football world awoke on a bright Sunday morning in late November to the devastatingly dark news that her son, Gary, had taken his own life.
It made no sense then and it clearly makes no sense now. Speed was 42, father to two young boys. After a sterling playing career which included 841 club appearances, the vast majority at the highest level, the gifted midfielder had taken the reins of his beloved Wales, whom he had captained and won 85 caps for as a player.
His single year in charge had seen Wales move further up the FIFA rankings than any other nation. The last match had been a 4-1 thumping of Norway. Handsome, gifted and universally liked, it felt like a second career was just starting.
‘We didn’t have a clue then and we still don’t,’ Carol explains. ‘He was always smiling, you know? He didn't... he never gave us any hint that there was anything the matter. And just like that…’
An inquest in Warrington failed to provide a degree of closure. A coroner heard of a row between Speed and his wife Louise on the tragic evening, which she described as ‘over something and nothing’ following a dinner party at which he was ‘on top form’.
On the Saturday afternoon he had appeared on the BBC’s Football Focus and appeared to host Dan Walker to be his usual ‘normal’ self, ‘laughing and joking, asking me about my family and taking the mickey out of Gary McAllister’s jumper’. The coroner subsequently delivered a narrative verdict after deciding it was impossible to determine whether Gary had intended to end his life in the garage of his Cheshire home.
Gary Speed's mother, Carol, attends the unveiling of a 'talking bench’ dedicated to Gary at Everton's Hill Dickinson Stadium on Saturday. The idea came from the club’s fans’ forum and the aim is to provide supporters with a place to speak about mental health issues
The plaque on the bench pays tribute to Speed, who took his own life 14 years ago aged 42
Speed was a much-loved member of the football family. 'It’s a horrible thing to have to live with, the not knowing,’ his mother Carol says. ‘We had no clues whatsoever'
‘I’ve not been told what happened that night,’ says Carol. ‘Apart from what was said at the inquest. That makes it hard as well.’
Time does not appear to have healed, no doubt because those answers remain elusive. ‘It’s a horrible thing to have to live with, the not knowing,’ she adds. ‘We had no clues whatsoever.’
Carol still lives in the semi-detached home in Deeside, Flintshire, in which Gary was raised. Her husband Roger is now in a care home after dementia robbed him of the ability to walk and talk. Each day, she is surrounded by reminders.
‘Gary was born there,’ she says. ‘I think about him as a child a lot. I remember the nets in the garden and the big bald patch where the goal was. The garage door he broke because he kept kicking the ball at it.
'You just feel empty. There are days when I can sit and chat and have a laugh and everything else, but there's always something missing. There's always, you know, there's always that emptiness there. To be honest, I could do with downsizing because it's just me now. But I just keep thinking of Gary when he was little. He was born there and I don't know, it's hard to leave it really. I suppose it’s silly.’
It is far from that. We are speaking in the sparkling surroundings of Hill Dickinson Stadium after one house move, that of Everton, one of Gary’s former clubs and his first love. ‘His dad supported Liverpool, so he went to Everton, as you do,’ says Carol with a smile. ‘And he used to deliver Kevin Ratcliffe's newspapers.’
The Toffees are taking on Newcastle United, another institution of the game where her son performed with distinction. For Carol to simply be here feels like a major step.
‘After Gary died I didn’t watch football for 10 years,’ she explains. ‘I couldn't go to a football match. I just kept seeing him on the pitch, you know? Then something switched on. I just thought that Gary wouldn’t have wanted me to do that. And so I started to watch it again.’
Gary Speed with his wife Louise at a fashion event to raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support in 2011
Tributes were left at Everton's then ground Goodison Park after the death of Speed
Before kick-off, Everton unveiled a ‘talking bench’ dedicated to Gary, who won a First Division title with Leeds United, with the idea coming from the club’s fans’ forum. The aim is to provide supporters with a place to speak in an attempt to tackle mental health issues. A plaque reads: ‘In memory of Gary Speed - Evertonian, captain, leader.' It adds: ‘A place for what is often unspoken. A place to sit, share and listen.’
To Carol, those are important words. ‘If you’re struggling then you’ve got to speak,’ she explains. ‘Because like I said, we just didn’t know anything was wrong. If we had some idea we could have watched him, helped him. But we didn’t, we didn’t know.
'I know for a man it can be hard to speak about your emotions and everything but if you are going through a bad time you can get through it. You can carry on with your life. It’s such a waste, it really is. Just speak to someone, because what it does to the family is just heartbreaking. When it happens like it did with Gary, someone needs to know (what you’re going through) because for the families, it's awful.’
If there are positives to be taken from tragedy, they come via her son’s legacy. ‘It's remarkable, it really is,' says Carol. 'That people talk about him 14 years later. We thought the world of him and now we know that everybody else did. I really can't get over that, the support and everything, that they’re still talking about him. And people are doing things like this.
'The bench is such a good thing. People can talk now and I don’t think they felt like they could then. I think we’re a long way from where we were. The bench is a lovely touch and it's an honour to Gary as well.’
Had he still been with us, Gary would now be 56. ‘The way his career was going, I’m sure he would have been a Premier League manager,’ Carol believes. ‘Well, everybody says so. He turned it around so quickly at Wales.’
As Carol unveils the bench there is applause from fans of both sides. David Wycherley, of the Everton fans' forum, is on hand to explain the thinking behind the new addition, which is situated in the fan plaza. ‘Our memories don’t disappear when we move to a new stadium,’ he says.
‘I’ve had my own mental health challenges and Gary’s story chimed with a lot of us. This is an opportunity to remember him but also to turn tragedy into a positive.
'I know for a man it can be hard to speak about your emotions,' says Carol of her son Gary, 'but if you are going through a bad time you can get through it. You can carry on with your life. It’s such a waste'
The message left by Newcastle United at the bench outside Hill Dickinson Stadium on Saturday
'A lot of times football brings us together but we sometimes don’t go beyond talking about the line-ups, the referee. We need to ask that extra question. “How are you? How’s the family? How’s the career going?” Hopefully this bench sparks those questions.’
For Carol, it is another nod to her son’s impact. ‘There’s also a memorial at the field near us where he used to play,’ she says. ‘Someone has put a Leeds United shirt there and a Wales shirt, I don’t know who.’
The intention is no doubt honourable. But the reality is that when, for most of us, thoughts turn towards the joy of Christmas, the challenges arrive. ‘This time of year is always hard,’ Carol explains.
‘I guess you don’t know what people are thinking inside, do you? I hope in some way the bench can help to change that.’
